Sunday, September 25, 2005

Another Conspiracy Theory

Okay...Tinfoil is firmly in place. The Mrs. and I got to talking yesterday about the next big thing that is going to be President Bush's fault.
Has anyone noticed how all of these hurricanes have passed through the
Gulf of Mexico without so much as scratching Cuba? I haven't. And the reason these CAT 5 Hurricanes is simple: It's obvious that Fidel Castro is responsible. But that isn't the scary part. You see, our lil' Cuban commie is actually a U.S. designed and developed android.
That's right folks. He was built in the late 50's in Hanger 18 at a secret post in the
Nevada desert (AKA Groom Lake.) The mysterious alien spacecraft/weather balloon crash that happened in Roswell, NM was actually a failed attempt at the insertion of either a replacement for an upgraded android, or the first insertion. It's unclear whether Fidel was originally an android sent to monitor (and later assassinate) Che Guevara, or whether he assassinated the actual Fidel and took his place.
What is clear is that the weather control device that Fidel Castro was created to build after seizing control of
Cuba has been turned on the very country that designed and developed such a device. Originally, the plan was to build such a device and use it as a tool to destroy, through supposedly "natural" disasters, any country in Central America as well as the countries on the northern coast of South America that posed a threat to the United States.
The appearance of Fidel as an enemy of America, and the embargo of Cuba is just an attempt to conceal his true nature and identity.
Something, however, has gone horribly wrong. Either Fidel has become truly self-aware (he was originally a hyper-intelligent program, and may have become self-aware through software updates or possibly through natural evolution) or, he has come under the control of a foreign power, bent on the destruction of the American economy. If he has become self-aware, perhaps the anti-American vitriol he has been spewing for the last 50 years has become a part of his program; he actually thinks it to be truth. If this is the case, he is more dangerous than ever and should be destroyed at all cost. If he has come under the control of a foreign power, so we have the slim chance of finding out exactly who is responsible and turning our machine on him.

I really don't think there's anybody in South or Central America, who would benefit greatly from a downturn in the US economy. I also don't think the loss of any (or all for that matter) of the US cities inside the Gulf coast, would result in severely crippling the US economy, at least not in the long-term. Short-term oil imports would definitely feel the crunch. We would all feel another pinch at the pump as we have in the last few weeks only to a much greater extent. Can you imagine the impact on the American economy when gas hits six dollars a gallon? More importantly, what happens when heating oil prices skyrocket? And what happens when it stays that way for a couple of years until refineries are built along the east and west coasts? Who benefits from all this? Follow the money, as it were. There would be extremely large federal subsidies to the oil companies, and the states that get selected by the oil companies to build refineries.

I don't think the oil companies are really hurting that much. So who else would benefit? There are too many granola eating birkenstock wearing nouveau hippies in Oregon and Washington state to ever allow another nasty oil refinery to be built there. This only leaves California, and the Democrats (both federal and state level.) would never allow the Republican governor to get such a boon to his economy while he's in office. Still, it's a stretch. The smart money is on the defective robot. That makes it all the president's fault. I can already imagine the headlines. And the Dems will chant the same mantra: the president knew, the president lied, the president failed to do anything about it, it's all his fault.

Really though, who would believe the president now, if he went to Congress and said that they needed to immediately declare war on Cuba? Obviously, he wouldn't be able to tell everyone about the weather control machine, or even that Castro is a hyper-intelligent (and possibly self-aware) android.

Of course, with all this extra water added to the Gulf States, next spring when winds blow up from the south and southeast to warm up the Central states, we'll see a large increase in storms and flooding along the Mississippi River basin. The increase in humidity will also result in an increase of tornadoes throughout the Midwest. Also, as humidity rises expect to see a surge in West Nile virus related illness (perhaps this is an attack by a non-oil-producing Arab/Muslim country?)

Carren is awake, the Steeler game is on, and my meds are kicking in. In short, it's time to take off the tinfoil helmet and watch football. I hope I've given you some food for thought (really, I just do this so that I can someday admit to the Senate confirmation committee that my web site was really just humor.) I do think it's interesting that both of these hurricanes have gotten more powerful as they got closer to land, don't they usually get stronger when they're more centered over water?


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