Wednesday, December 28, 2005

porous borders

I'm sitting at home trying to decide what to have for dinner. Lately, my craving for pizza has been darn near insatiable. Although I was originally put off at the thought of the Domino's steak lovers pizza or meat lovers whatever with Angus beef and cheese and stuff. Really, I was ready to vomit when it first came out, just from watching the commercials. (I was also taking a lot of narcotics and my taste buds were REALLY put off.) Anyway, since I consider beef to be the main ingredient in any good meal, I decided to try it one night. I have a new favorite.

Any how, I've got a hankering for Mexican food. Don't know why, perhaps my cilantro levels are low. Which got me to thinking about the only decent Mexican restaurant in town, a place called El Cazador. I love eating there. The food is outstanding, even if the following day I could shit on a screen door and not hit a wire. Toxic stuff really. I imagine if I broke wind too close to the children, I might kill one of them.

Unfortunately, the restaurant is closed. Apparently it was raided by the immigration and naturalization service and all of the employees were carted off to points unknown. This brings me to the point of this post: Illegal aliens.

(You may want to get some coffee and get comfy, this is a loooong post.)

Now, I'm all for poor, weak, huddled masses yearning to breathe free—as long as they don't come here illegally. They should become fully indoctrinated into our society the right way: they should be inundated with government paperwork and bureaucracy, given the runaround, and then forced to learn more about civics and United States history than any American high-school graduate. Then, once they've gone through all of those hurdles, they can enjoy the fruits of their minimum-wage labor. “But Chuck”, you say, “please, please tell us what you would do to stem the flow of illegal aliens into this country.” Very well, As you wish.

Let's see, we've got something like a 1500-mile border to protect and pretty much anybody with a decent pair of Nike's can come in the country illegally. It's not something we can fix overnight. We have to take baby steps. First, we start rounding up all the Illegals we can find. Second, we organize them in the work gangs. Third, we put them to work for us. Since they'll be in our legal system, they can get the federal limit of $.90 an hour for their work. "But what will they do, Chuck?” you ask.

They will begin building the wall. When the Spanish conquered the West in their discovery of California, they built a mission roughly every 20 miles. That was a day's march for their soldiers. We should cut back by a half, and have the work gangs build prisons every 10 miles along the border. (For cost-effectiveness, we would follow the Sheriff Joe Arpaio model.) In between the jails, they will build the wall that separates us from Mexico. Just to ease the confusion, we will concede 1 mile of our border -- a no man's land if you will. Actually, since we'll be using unskilled labor, it gives us a margin of error if we screw up where the border lies. Volunteer citizens can be used as deputized guards and wardens and paid according to their skills and abilities. The jails will house the prisoners as they continue to build the wall, and anyone who “escapes” back to Mexico is welcome to leave. Anyone who escapes to el norte, is welcome to be hunted down like a dog, and shot (as an escaped felon). After working an eight hour day (any more would be too cruel) the detainees would work on the citizenship process. They could do their paperwork, take their classes on citizenship, and all of the other sundry things that apply to becoming a United States citizen. Also, they would learn to Habla IngleĊ›-- an absolute requirement for release (after all, we have to make sure that they completely understand their oath of citizenship).

Their wages would (of course) be taxed. Something that they could learn about: ThereAin’t No Such Thing as a Free Lunch. (Nods to Heinlein—TANSTAAFL.) As a matter of fact, they could use their wages to pay for their lunch while they work. And no, meals wouldn't be optional. Yes, Virginia, America is the land of opportunity. That doesn't mean that opportunities will be handed to you; it means if you work hard enough, you can make opportunities happen.

Now, after they have completed the citizenship process, they will be released from the work program. Just like your average American prisoner, they will be given $20 and a new suit, and released back into society. Of course like your average American criminal, they will begin their new life in America, with one strike against them, as a convicted felon. After all, that's the very definition of illegal alien, and it sends a clear message.

As we continue to capture aliens trying to cross the border legally, they will refill the ranks of those who attain citizenship. Trust me, they'll keep coming. Another note on these prisons: although they will have the overall goal of keeping the inmates penned up when they are not working, we're not talking about a Supermax here. Rather, something more along the lines of Cool Hand Luke, without the torture. As for the wall that they'll build, I'm not thinking about a simple fence that any idiot with a pair of tin snips can cut through about 15 seconds. I'm thinking about the eighth frickin’ wonder of the modern world; I wanna wall that can be seen from space. The Chinese built their wall for the same purpose, to stop the illegal immigration of the Mongols who threatened to destroy their society. That all is seen as a marvel, as a testament to their ability, and also as a testament to their cruelty, since millions died building it.

Of course, our illegals would be housed, clothed, fed, educated, paid wages (substantially higher than they would get picking lettuce, or cleaning the houses of well-to-do Californians) and otherwise rewarded for their efforts. They would be building a monument to security of the nation, it would stand for generations. They would be able to tell their children and their children’s children about the work they did to secure their new homeland.

And if Vincente Fox so much as bitches about it to his next-door neighbor, we will suspend NAFTA . According to the Pew Hispanic Center Report from Census Data, there are currently over 10.3 million “Unauthorized migrants” in the United States. 1500 miles of border/10,300,00 illegal aliens=only 77 feet of wall per illegal! (This assumes, of course that we could round up all 10.3 million The jails I'm talking about establishing are also not permanent fixtures, rather they are meant to be portable: tents, concertina wire, a few portable buildings, mostly the same stuff that the Army uses when we go someplace and build. This way, when sections of the wall are complete, they can pack up their camp and along the wall, establish a new camp, and begin building. As far as cost is concerned, the largest cost of any construction project is the raw materials for building. Just like the Great Wall of China, the wall could practicably be built from surrounding raw materials, whatever was at hand. The height of the wall could also be improved through the use of moats. These wouldn't have to be filled with water, punji stakes and land mines will work much better.

Of course, the best obstacle in the world is pretty worthless if it isn’t overwatched. So, we will need a more robust border guard force. Homesteaders work well for this. Build nice homes along the wall, which of course would connect to a tower, and these homeowners have shoot to kill orders for anyone trying to get over or through the wall. The homes would be given free, or, in keeping with the American way, at a greatly reduced rate for the people who live in them. (Former illegal aliens will be prohibited from living in/owning one of theswe, as it could create a conflict of interest.) The beauty is that you never know which towers will be manned when. Electronic sensors can also help quite a bit, so that the towers don't have to be manned 24/7. You could put a house about every mile or so, I'd be happy to have an nice, inexpensive home, with a beautiful view, a nice observation tower (also good for observing the night sky) and a very nice plot of land to call my own. Shoot to kill/defend the nation's borders order wouldn't be a problem for me at all. You've got enough land on every house plot for a small-arms range, the wall could serve as a backstop. And since I'm doing such a hell of a job and a service to my country, perhaps they could loosen the restrictions on ownership of automatic and long-range weapons, provide relief from property taxes (since tax revenue would be increased by this project and the resulting increase of legal aliens), and peace and quiet.

Next comes the issue of “wet foot/dry foot.” Once a person steps off of their rubber boat from the Dominican Republic, and onto dry land in the US, it becomes much harder to toss them back into the water (legally). That should be much simpler if they had to make it all the way off the beach. On the actual, arable soil. Until then, they could be shot. After that, they could still be shot, they'll just recuperate from non-fatal wounds in the work camps. If the Coast Guard locates one of these boats, they sink it. No questions asked. It's not all about search and rescue. It's about national security. If people can walk or swim across the border without any impedance, if they can gain entry into this country illegally, for the purpose of finding a better life, then they could just as easily find their way into this country, with the purpose of destroying lives. Perhaps carrying a backpack with God knows was what in it, perhaps not. Perhaps they're just going to learn how to fly.

It's a simple plan. The logistics would require a staff of maybe five trained people, and they'd need three or four days to figure it out. Establishing the guard force manpower might take a few more days. Let's say a month from “go,” we could start putting this plan into effect. It really is that easy.

I just realized, I've ranted about this before. Is anybody listening?

--Chuck

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