Tuesday, April 01, 2008
It's time to face facts. I've had a lot of fun writing here. I believe that the writing, and more importantly, all of you have helped me heal, and grow, as a person, leader, husband, and father. But given a long enough leash, I have eventually hanged myself.
But I am a soldier. I go where I am told and do what I am told.
It is not my place to besmirch the good names of our elected representatives. They all have the title "honorable" for a reason, and my malicious attacks against them are one of the chief reasons for this adieu.
I wrote a post very early on called "coming out of the closet". It was when I decided that along with exercising my first amendment rights, I would do more than hide behind a wall of anonymity and hurl rocks o'er the ramparts. I put my name to my words. I took credit and blame for them. And it is because I have done that one simple thing that I am now forced to retire from the blogosphere.
My social commentary has always been colorful, and I've tried to help people understand both the ground truth, as well as my perspective on the nature of things... whether it was the things you do that don't get you killed, or the things that sometimes do--I tried to be as open and honest with my feelings as I could. I gave the teeming hundreds unfettered access to my emotions, good, bad, and ugly--a level of access I would never give face-to-face.
I think that the best thing to come from this grand experiment was Project VALOur-IT. I never planned on being crippled, but what we make of our unplanned situations is the true nature of our character. There were times I wished I had died, times I wished I could just OD and get it all over with, end the pain. Luckily, I have an amazing wife who wouldn't put up with my self pity (or was just unwilling to be stuck with the kids by herself.) Knowing that I have in some small way helped to make a fellow cripples' life a little bit more normal has been, outside of fatherhood, my greatest personal triumph.
However, I've spoken out of school and out of my pay grade one few times too many, and eventually, people have taken notice. I cannot name names, because to do so would be insubordinate and contrary to my oath. I was given an option: stifle myself, or find employment elsewhere. Since I am pretty much unemployable (not many employers looking for a pissed off PTSD/TBI victim with nine fingers) I am forced by circumstance (and by a direct order) to hitch up the mules and head off into the sunset.
Perhaps in a few years, after our mule dies, and the wheels fall off the cart, The Mrs. and I will settle down somewhere, put down roots and turn my boots into flowerpots. If I am not terribly busy living my sunset years, I may start doing this again.
Many thanks to everyone who has helped me over the years... I will not name you here as I fear I would miss someone and they would feel slighted.
I remain rough, and standing on the wall, sleep well.