Monday, October 13, 2008

Rope. Tree. Judge.

Taking a short break from politics:

Grandpa had time to do.

His crime? He had disobeyed a court order that he sod the lawn at his Beacon Woods home.

His bail? Zero.

Prudente, 66, must stay in the Pasco County jail in Land O'Lakes until the required sod work is completed, under a September court order signed by Circuit Judge W. Lowell Bray.

it seems he violated his homeowner's association rules, because his sprinkler system broke, he dinna have the $ to fix it, and his lawn died. The homeowners assoc. then sent him threats, and then took the matter to a judge.

The judge ordered him to re-sod his lawn, apparently because he didn't understand the words "I can't afford it." Then he ordered him to go to jail until the lawn was resodded, apparently because he didn't understand the words "I can't afford it." At the cost of resodding a lawn in the south (about $1k, last I checked) he should only have to work eight hours a day, for 312 days at the mandatory limited rate of $0.40/hour, to raise a thousand bucks. Except prisoners don't work weekends, so he'll actually need to spend 62 weeks, or a year and 2.5 months, in jail, because his lawn was brown.

When Chuck is Emperor, this judge will be tied to a post and buried upside down, but only to the level that his eyes and ears were covered. His inability to see justice or hear sense are part of the problem. So the soil used to bury his head will naturally be a fire ant colony.

After a few weeks of this--he'll be rotated every 1/2 hour, so he can apologize, and so he doesn't croak, and after 4 hours of this, he'll be allowed 90 minutes to sleep--the ant remedy will cease, and the new punishment, reattached to the post, but this time he'll have angry giant Asian hornets placed in a sack around his genitals, to remind him that his job is to ensure that the law is not only fair, but just, and unjust and unfair punishments hurt--a lot. As humans don't actually build immunities to bee venom, and this hornet's venom can actually dissolve human tissue, we'll limit this to only a dozen repetitions, with a 24-hour rest period in between.

As for the board of the Homeowner's association:
On their yards, in six foot letters, the word "Cocksucker" will be spelled in fertilizer for one week. That should be sufficient enough to burn the grass underneath, effectively killing it for the season. After a week, it should be vacuumed up, and then, in the following seasons, it will grow full and lush and darker than the rest of the yard--a perpetual "Cocksucker" sign.

Of course, they will be forced to water everyone's yards in their association daily, carrying water from a centralized location, in a 1 gallon bucket, and sprinkling it on each person's yard, ensuring that the moisture level in the soil is kept to the optimum amount required for each type of grass.

They will also monitor every lawn to ensure uniformity of height, and any lawns not uniform will have to be mowed. They will be given rules and toenail clippers for this task. Color is another issue that can affect the "look" of their neighborhood. They will ensure that all lawns fall within a very narrow margin of color shades. They will ensure that the lawns have the necessary food, fertilizer, and pest control to accomplish this. They may use no mechanical equipment whatsoever to disperse the food/fertilizer, so they will accomplish this task by hand, ensuring that the coverage rates listed by the manufacturer are STRICTLY maintained.

Once every yard in the community is the same height, color, root depth, density, blade width, they will be relieved of this punishment. At this point they will have their eyes put out--by having fertilizer rubbed in them, so they will never again have to look at a brown yard, and this will help them to mind their own business.

Of course, I think I'd have just watered the lawn with a hose if my sprinkler system died....

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