Sunday, May 15, 2011

Security questions

My bank configures a security question and answer for customer service calls. In addition to your SSN, date of birth, and mother's maiden name they also ask you the question you specify and wait for the answer you've provided. This is good, because many standard questions are guessable in a way that user-defined questions may not be.

Bank Secret Question & Answer

A real live human operator always asks the question and waits for a real live answer. This measure has the potential to not just improve my account security but add entertainment value as well:

Q: Do you know why I think you're so sexy?
A: Probably because you're totally in love with me.

Q: Need any weed? Grass? Kind bud? Shrooms?
A: No thanks hippie, I'd just like to do some banking.

Q: The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men.
A: Go forth, and kill. Zardoz has spoken.

Q: What the hell is your problem, sir?
A: This is completely inappropriate and I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

Q: I've been embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from my employer, and I don't care who knows it.
A: It's a good thing they're recording this call, because I'm going to have to report you.

Q: Are you really who you say you are?
A: No, I am a Russian identity thief.

Q: For the remainder of this conversation, "How can I help you today?" actually means "Would you like to buy some mescaline?" Do you understand?
A: I understand completely.

Q. Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
A. Shaft. Damn right.

Q. Where have all the good times gone?
A. My pants.

Q: Condor 86171, Go Secure.
A: Line Secured. Authorization Alpha Tango One. Proceed.

Q: Tell me honestly, Sir: Are you ready to do some Damn Banking?
A: Hell yes I am. Let's do this.

Q: Do you have any idea how much I hate reading from this stupid script for $7.60 an hour?

Q: You can do it, put your back into it.
A: I can do it, put your ass into it.

Q: Whats the name of your first child?
A: Ham sandwich.

Q: Does my butt look fat in these pants?
A: I need to see a photo. But if youre asking, the answer is probably Yes.

Q. Who wrote the Book of Love?
A. The Marquis de Sade. No, really, look it up.

Q: Does this dress look my ass look fat?
A: No, your ass makes your ass look fat.

Q. Why do fools fall in love?
A. Hormones, beer and low standards.

Q. Why does it burn when I pee?
A. You're using too much torque.

Q: Do you know the answer to your secret question?
A: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you. Can you repeat that?

Q: Do you speak English?
A: Que?

Q: How do you spell your name?
A: I thought we already covered this?

Q: What's the third word on the fifth page of the Manual?
A: Threepwood

Q: What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
A: What?

Q: Who is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you?

Q: Your account balance is just over fifteen million, four hundred and six thousand dollars, sir. Would you like that in cash?
A: No, gold bullion will be fine, thank you.

Q: What is Love?
A: Baby dont hurt me....... no more

Q: Who put the bomp in the bomp shu-bomp-shu-bomp?
A: Leonard Nemoy.

Q: Is it just me, or does the sound of velcro tearing give you a hard-on?
A: That's pretty messed up buddy. Can I speak to a different rep please?

Q: Meow, do you know how fast you were going?
A: Did you just say 'meow?'

Q: Every morning for weeks, I've been getting into the office before my coworker and farting on her phone and keyboard as much as I possibly can.
A: Ew.

Q: Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
A: Crap!

Q: Look, Mac, you and us? We're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. In about a half an hour the whole American army's gonna be comin' down that road. Why don't you do yourself a great, big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?
A: I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American army.

Q: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
A: But... where will we find a pair of galoshes, five pounds of coleslaw, and a llama at this time of day?

Q: Dana?
A: There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.

Q: Can you verify your signature for me?
A: Sure it's
Version: SKS 1.0.10

-----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK-----, I think.

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