Sunday, July 31, 2011

Ramadan-a llama ding-dong

What follows is directed at the violent mohammedan extremists who chant "death to America!" every time they see a news crew, not to the vast (albeit silent) majority of muslims who are peace-loving and tolerant of other religions.

Happy Sunday!

Today is the first day of Ramadan, for all you violent mohammedan extremist adherents of the writings of Muhammed (Pedophile Be Ur Hero.) 

I an in an embracing diversity mood tonight, much like I was last December when I went 'round wishing everyone a White Kwanzaa.  So, fully embracing your right to follow your hearts' desire to follow your backwards thinking, backwards writing, and utterly retarded religion of tolerance and peace,  I have decided to help you celebrate your half-fast (say it three times) holiday.

Of course, this doesn't mean I'll be joining you.  As a card-carrying lifetime member of the Army of the Great Satan, I will set the firm example of everything you aren't supposed to do... namely, I am going to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  I have two pounds of bacon sitting in the fridge, just waiting for me to fry up for breakfast.  I may even start my Sunday with some sacramental beer.  I am going to drink, eat, and smoke all damn day. 

Come to think of it, I'm going to make a point to drink, eat, and smoke every day during Ramadan.  And if I see anyone in your little ninja costumes, or anyone herding a group of ninjas, I'll be certain to smoke, eat, and not blow myself up around them.  About that--making the wimmin follow you around, you do realize that means you find the landmine first, right?  Damn that subservience is a bitch!

Look, before you start thinking I'm writing this as a "Hatin' on Haji" thing, I am.  I really do think you've made your religion into a farcical perversion.  Mohammed was a pedophile.  (Unless you consider being married to a six-year-old, and consummating that marriage when she was nine, as acceptable through any standard.)  And if you do, screw you, too.   He plagiarized as much of the old testament as he could remember between grand mal seizures (where he had his visions.)  The dude was an 8th-century L. Ron Hubbard, and his current followers are pretty much what you'd expect after 13 centuries of  these people inbreeding.  Are we clear?

But you know what's great?  Nobody is gonna try and kill me if I said the exact same thing about Christians. 

Even if I screamed it from the top of the Bigass Jesus in Brazil.  Hell, I could scream it from the top of my lungs while pumping the neighbor's rabbit on Easter in Saint Peter's Basilica, and the worst thing that would happen to me is getting nagged by the SPCA and maybe a cruelty to animals misdemeanor (it is Italy, so it's probably acceptable behavior.)  Nobody Christian is going to scream Jihad!!!!11lebenty! and decree a Fatwa.  No Christian would want to kill my family to make a point--or kill my countrymen.  I could take a dump on the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, while wearing chitterlings as sideburns and yarmulke pasties, and the worst thing that would happen to me is the police would probably be a might touchy with the use of force when I got arrested.

Hell, I can even look at, touch, hug, and talk to women that aren't related to me without far of me or her being stoned to death.  My wife can wear bathing suits and my daughter will actually get to choose who she dates--those boys will have the fear of imminent death from me if they disrespect or hurt her, but I won't blame her if they weren't raised right.

Which brings me to a point--ya'll, the super dooper holier and more devout than thou types--you who are paragons of virtue--you *ahem* sacrifice by not eating, drinking, smoking, or generally doing any of the functions of living during the hours of daylight?  Big sacrifice there.  Almost twelve whole hours every day!  And why during the day?  Could it be that your religion is all based around the phases of the lunar cycle, Ali bin Moonbeam?  You maintain how righteous you are, but force your women to cover up because you cannot risk being tempted by visceral urges.  I live on an island.  I see women almost every day wearing less than well, anybody should in public.  To date, I have raped exactly none of them.  Come to think of it, of all the times I've been to the beach, I've never seen any man lose his control of self and react to carnal impulses on a beach--or even at a nudie bar.  Yes, I know that it does happen... but rape happens every day in Mecca, too.

So your big sacrifice during your big lunatic celebration is no chow, drinks, or smokes for roughly twelve hours.  You call that a sacrifice?  You call that discipline?  Ghandi just texted me and called you all pussies.  He said Jesus was too busy hammering nine inch nails through bin Laden's balls to text, but did say "try wandering through the desert for forty days, with no companion but the devil, then get back to me" and they were both going to hang our later with John Wayne and Yonatan Netanyahu and go cruising with Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Anna Nichole Smith (Ghandi loves 'em chunky.)  Then they're going to check in on Amy Winehouse and see how the detox is going.  After that he started saying something about it being nice if you idjits could've figured out peaceful, non-violent protest, but he goes on and on about that all the time so I tuned him out.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Sacrifice.  Ramadan:Sacrifice :: Dennis Kucinich:Sanity

Warmest wishes this Ramadan Season,

--George Spelvin

No comments: