You.must.be.kidding.

I can’t take this moonbattery so early in the morning
I had to fly to Fort Knox (yes, punkin, where the gold is) this morning (last Friday). I am (was) tasked with picking up a GSA (Google it) pickup truck and driving it back to IUP. In order to get to the airport, I had to take a cab. The guy who picked me up had spent the last 5 years as a cab driver. Prior to that, he’d driven a limousine for two years, and prior to that, he had worked for the department of transportation for 30 years. He readily admitted, by the way, that all you had to do in PennDOT was show up for work every day and they’ll pay you every two weeks. Well, that confirms one suspicion.
I was in uniform, so he began our morning conversation (our five o’clock in the morning conversation) by letting me know how wasteful and ridiculous the war in Iraq was. I knew it was going to be a long ride.
Mr. Nipps (His real name) claimed to have a “library most regular people can’t even comprehend” and then proceeded to tell me of various facts that he’d learned through his studies of history. He mentioned that he’d even had an FBI agent come to his house because he “knew so much” and because he’d been “asking too many questions.” I decided to concentrate on remembering as much of our conversation as I could because I needed to write about this. Put on the tin foil, folks. I swear, this is not made up. Here we go.
• He claimed to understand the tactical fight much better than most people and especially most of the officers in Iraq. (I was in uniform, but he must’ve missed the railroad tracks on my shirt and hat) He knew better than others, because he had been through “guerilla training.” Not as part of the military, mind you, but had just been through the training. I assumed he meant the boy scouts, but you never know what his current posse might be up to. Probably getting camo’d up and playing paintball. Glad his vast training provided him with more insight than people who’ve been soldiering or more than two decades.
• Apparently, our Porous Borders are the result of the INS informing the MexGov of the locations of the minutemen, so more illegals can flood into the country (and god knows how many terrorists.)
• The Branch Davidians were a peace loving group of people who just believed differently, and we used some type of nerve agent on them (not just the CS tear gas we claimed.) He could tell this because of the way some of the bodies were contorted.
• The IRS is actually a private corporation owned by the Rothchilds and the World Bank, who seizes property from people during audits in order to use as collateral when borrowing against the deficit.
• Vietnam was a sham, and president Kennedy really wanted to bring all of the advisors, but Johnson wanted to escalate the war, because he was in bed with the military-industrial complex, and had just seen what they did to his former boss, and because he and Ladybird had huge ties to the rubber plantations in Vietnam (apparently, she was connected to the Firestone family.) This was why Johnson had Kennedy killed, and he used the mob and the Cubans to do it (I assume he’s also an Oliver Stone fan.)
• His vast knowledge gained from spending his time not filling potholes also gave him information about the WTC attacks. Apparently, buildings don’t fall that fast when they collapse. Only buildings that are imploded explosively fall that fast. I guess he believes that the constant of gravity and its effect on things is changed by the use of explosives. Anyway, folks from Martin Bush (yes, that Bush) had come in to the WTC buildings a few weeks earlier and cleared the people from the sea each floor, while they conducted anti-terrorism security sweeps. What they were really up to was planting explosives. You see, the gummint orchestrated this whole thing, just so they could go to war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and pass new laws restricting our freedom, especially the patriot act, which allows the NSA to kidnap people they deem “questionable” and deport them to our secret prisons in Kosovo and Bosnia.
• Flight 93 was not “the Flight that fought back.” It was actually shot down by a pair of F-16 fighters, as soon as we knew they’d been hijacked. He knew this the wife of a friend of his saw the F-16s flying near a bridge the she was driving on that morning. So of course, they would’ve been shooting down anything in the air.
• Jews are evil and money grubbing and the seed of Cain. Mr. Nipps was preaching the bible now. The Jews are the group that descended from Cain, not Abraham. They killed Christ because Cain told them to in his secret scripture, because Cain knew Jesus was the son of god, and Cain worshipped Lucifer, and wanted to strike back at God for banishing him.
• Because the Jews come from Cain, us and the A-rab share a common ancestor in Abraham. This is why he referred to the A-rabs as our “A-rab cousins.” He believes that the best way to end this war was for us to team up with the A-rabs and go to war against the Jews. That way we would be on the righteous side of God.
• Flight 800 was actually shot down a during a horrible accident. By the U.S. Navy test firing a missile. The NTSB tampered with the evidence, because it showed that the fuel tank was relatively intact, which would not happen had the plane exploded, and also there was a single great big gaping hole in that relatively intact fuel tank. That explains where the missile hit. (Forget about what happens when you play something explosive inside of fluid and set it off. Sort of like when you toss a depth charge off of a destroyer to kill a submarine. You see, fluids don’t compress. So a missile hitting the center fuel tank would’ve blown it to smithereens, not just left a single hole in it. Granted, had the tank been empty, it may have done just that. You’ll remember, however, that flight 800 was on a transatlantic flight to France, and had just left New York so it is an odds-on bet that it had a full tank of gas. Closed emphasis
• Carrying on with the motif of us being cousins to the A-rabs, we are fighting the wrong enemy in Iraq. We should be fighting the Israelis, not the A-rabs to really do love us. They just hate the Israelis because they know that they are the seed of Cain. Also the billions of dollars we are spending every month costs too much. Indeed, he believes that we should not buy into all of this “high-tech gear.” He even mentioned that soldiers during the Civil War and the Revolutionary war. Managed to fight with musket and bayonet and cannon, and if soldiers knew they only had one shot they would become much better shots, saving billions of dollars.
• This one was really good: in 1979, the OPEC gas crisis. Is actually cost, because oil companies were turning away tankers at the ports. They were not turning away the empty tankers in the Arab ports, rather, it was the US oil companies that were turning away full tankers at US shorelines. Again, he had a “friend” who, get this, was a tanker captain in the late 70s. This tanker captain now lives in southern Florida, not the we should hold that against him, but still. Anyway, his “friend” told him that he had even been bringing in a tanker are full of gasoline and was told to turn around and take it back out into the ocean and dump it, because by the time they would’ve gotten him into port and unloaded at the gas would be “stale.” He also told me that other oil tankers were being told to go around the horn of Africa, increasing their transit time so they too would have to go back out into the ocean and dump their “stale oil.”
• Did you know that doctors have cured cancer? Apparently, there’s a vitamin called B24 (must be twice as strong as B12). A dentist who is dying of cancer, ordered a dosage of the B24 that was equivalent to the maximum dose every day for 58 days. The dentist gave himself this, all at once. Three days later, he woke up at his cancer was cured. The medical community refuses to publicize this, because there is way too much money can be made from treating cancer.
• President Kennedy was schtupping Marylin Monroe. This shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone. However, Jacqueline Kennedy found out about it and she was the one who work is orchestrated Marilyn’s death. She did this through her ties to the Greek mafia (I know Mafia is an Italian word, but I don’t know what the Greek word would be). That’s why she was so quickly married to Aristotle Onassis after JFK’s death. Basically, she traded herself for Kennedy’s death.
• I got a very brief lesson about the illuminati, how it is an old world society that controls everything in the world. Everything that goes on between governments and with money systems and things like that. He had noticed that his “vast library” had several books missing, books that explained in detail, who was in the illuminati and why. He assumed that when the federal agent came to his house to talk to him, he was really just casing it for one of their “shadow teams” to come in and steal his information.
• He started to calm down this point, possibly because I work for “the Man.” He did bring up the ‘mark of the beast’ during his diatribe on the Bible. He seemed a bit confused; I asked him why it had to be on the right hand for the forehead. His answer: the forehead was the logical place for people who lost their right hand was kind stymied when I asked him why they couldn't just have it on their left hand. He believes that RFID tagging was eventually going to become the mark of the beast.
Realizing just what kind of a harmless, but still retarded fruitcake in dealing with here, I couldn't resist, but to just enrich the garden that was his imagination with more fertilizer. I started small and work my way up from there.
• Bob O’Connor, a beloved mayor of Pittsburgh, recently died of brain cancer. This cancer came on rather suddenly and took him in a matter of only a few months. I asked him if he thought it might be coincidental that Bob O’Connor had just recently taken office, and was striving to change some of the problems in Pittsburgh. By doing so, he stepped on a lot of toes, and he didn't really care whom pissed off. Now, all of a sudden, he develops a terminal brain cancer and is gone in a matter of months. You would think that the mayor of a city as large as Pittsburgh would have access to vitamin B24.
• This past summer, Ben Roethlisberger was riding on his motorcycle when he was struck by a car. I asked if Mr. Nipps knew that the driver of that car was born and raised in Cleveland (for those of you who don't know, the Browns are the mortal enemies of the Pittsburgh Steelers.) He didn't know that, and to be quite honest, I was making it up, so I didn't either.
• Agent Orange was never designed to be an herbicide. It was a long-lasting, slow acting chemical agent that we were supposed to spray on the North Vietnamese. Unfortunately, GPS technology was not available at the time, and communication between the ground troops and the Air Force was poor, at best. This resulted in spraying many of our troops when it should have been the North Vietnamese getting sprayed.
• (Fact) You can and iron to coal, and extract petroleum, hydrogen, or pretty much anything else you want from it. The technology exists, and has existed since the 50s. (Fiction). However, the gummint doesn't want to build the coal plants. What they want to do is build more nuke plants, which can produce plenty of electricity and hydrogen for the hybrid and other alternative fuel vehicles. This will allow them to produce more plutonium (at night when the nuke plants are on minimum shift personnel) so they can continue to make "off the record" nuclear devices.
• The government also plans to eliminate OPEC by becoming the world's largest producer of ethanol. Since they will be increasing electric and hydrogen output from their nuke plants, and they want to focus on growing lots and lots of corn to make an ethanol, it only follows suit that what they really wanted to is force the automakers into producing nothing but electric, hydrogen, and ethanol fuel vehicles. This would force the rest of the world into buying these vehicles, since the automakers would retool, and no longer produce vehicles with gasoline combustion engines. Since Third World countries are exactly able to produce a nuke plant that provides energy, and don't exactly have hydrogen trees to fill their tanks, their only option would be go with ethanol fueled vehicles. Not only would this destroy OPEC, but would result in us founding the new OPEC (okay, EPEC). China's climate doesn't really allow them to grow a heck of a lot of corn, and I don't know the possibility of getting ethanol from rice. Russia's climate is really too cold to support the growing of the whole of corn, so the only people who could possibly compete with us in the corn market would be the people in South America. In order to preclude them from doing just that, we've had our eco-freaks (who are really controlled by the government, whether they know it or not) blocking rain forest deforestation to preclude industrialization and agricultural development in South America as a method to stop the lesser Americas from becoming a competitor in the production of ethanol.
He pondered these last few comments for a while, and just before we got to the airport, I just... I couldn't resist. I had to ask him what he thought about the “visitors”. He explained, and assured me that although he was no expert on it, he had done some reading on it from his extensive library (that the regular person couldn't begin to comprehend). Apparently there was a type of alien, which we call the "grays." They have been studying us for some time. He even told me that he read reports that showed the grays had been on the side of the North Vietnamese, and had been spotted helping them during battles with US troops in Vietnam. I explaind that I needed a little bit of time to digest that, and we pretty much wrote in silence for the last few minutes to the airport. By the time we arrived it was all I could do to not leap from the taxi, and as he drove away, I realized that it was people just like him, whom I have sworn to protect and defend. And now I wonder where in my life I have gone wrong.
At least my mom can be proud that I didn't strangle this guy before I got the airport.

--Chuck