Standing Orders For REMFs

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1. Don't shred nuthin'.

2. Have your files virus scanned, disks formatted, sixty minutes worth of paper and toner, and be ready to print at a minute's warning.

3. When you're leaving work, act the way you would if you was sneakin' up on a deer. See the enemy first.

4. Don't never lie to your rater. You can tell tall tales all you want to your senior rater/reviewer, but remember that you have an OER/NCOER in the balance.

5. Don't volunteer for an additional duty you don't have to.

6. When you're on a march to the podium, we march single file, far enough apart so no single shot from a laser pointer can blind two men.

7. If we strike on uncertain ground, we spread out our stories, so its hard to track us.

8. When we use the telephone, we keep a busy line until dark, so as to give the enemy the least possible chance at us.

9. When we brief, half the party stays awake while the other half sleeps.

10. If we are investigating the staff for a late suspense, we keep 'em separate 'til we have had time to interrogate them, so they can't cook up a story between 'em.

11. Don't ever brief the same way. Update your slides so you won't be ambushed.

12. No matter whether we travel in big parties or little ones, each party has to have a site survey party 2 weeks in advance, an ADVON element to cover the flanks, and a Rear Detachment to generate retroactive travel orders, so the Main Body can't be stranded without per diem.

13. Every night you'll be told where to meet for choir practice.

14. Don't sit down to eat without locking the office door and unhooking the phone.

15. Check your e-mail at dawn. Dawn is when higher HQ elements like to send without warning.

16. Don't cross a river by a regular Ford. (POV's are not authorized ... use the Staff Duty vehicle instead.)

17. Don't stand up when the enemy's coming against you. Quibble, deny, make counter-accusations, hide behind rank, etc.

18. Let the enemy come 'til he's almost close enough to touch. Then, let 'em have the floor and jump out and finish him with obscure facts from your "Smart Book".