Monday, May 11, 2009

I am a wife-beater t-shirt away from being on Springer.

I'm trying to lose about 20-30 pounds. Not that I'm fat, but the Army has a funny idea about what a good weight for me is. According to Army standards, since I am between 71 and 72 inches tall (5'11-6', based on how bad my back feels) I am authorized to weigh between 194-200 pounds, based on my age. I can also be up to 24% body fat, as determined by some voodoo scale based on the ratio of my neck circumference to my belly circumference.

(By the way, if I were female, I could be 34% fat, but only weigh 183-188.)

Now, there is flexibility built into the army weight control program. For instance, it is a commander's program, meaning it is a tool for a commander to use at his discretion. However, the big green machine is ridiculously hung up on the whole height/weight nonsense, and seems to really embrace the idea that soldiers should all be built like long-distance cross country runners. For comparison, not a single offensive line player in the NFL would pass the standards.

Who would you rather have in your infantry platoon?

Yeah, me too.

Back to the original topic, I've gotta drop some pounds, from my currently strapping 206 down to (at a minimum) 194, and ideally 176 (so I can go back to my steady diet of cheetos, donuts, and all things deep fried. The best medical advice calls for diet and exercise. That's great, except I am very limited in the aerobic exercise I can do. Running/jogging is out. Grafts in the wrong places limit that ability. Swimming requires a pool, which I don't have access to. Biking is really fun, but distance and time limit me on that one, plus the dearth of safe areas to ride here. (PA has lots of roads, and even more really shitty drivers.)

One thing that I have found diet-wise that really seems to work for me is the Adkins diet. Sure, it's kinda hard on the body, but my body is the stupid one holding on to the fat, so I figure it needs some punishing. Adkins is really simple. Cut all carbs out of your diet for three weeks. Your weight will plummet, and then you gradually add carbs back in to your diet untl your weight stabilizes, or until the weight loss slows to only a few pounds a week/month, while you continue to eat some carbs. Plus, you can eat as much as you want (steak, egges, bacon, chicken, green veggies, pork, ribs, butter, milk, all thinkgs protein.) but no carbs. This means I crave bread, fruits, crackers, chips, ceral, rice, oats, etc. The really hard thing for me is crunchy snack food. I really like chips and crackers.

My salvation, while searching for the zero-carb crunchy snack food, is pork rinds. Crunchy beyond belief, salty, slighty smoky, bacon-flavored. Nom nom nom.

And diet soda. You'd be surprised how switching from regular to diet can seriously affect your carb intake. But I likes the fizzy waters, so I get used to artificial sweeteners and enjoy them. For the recod, diet coke differs from diet pepsi as battery acid differs from lighter fluid. Both are awful. Coke Zero is meh, but Coke Cherry Zero is passable. What is surprisingly tasty is the diet rite selection of sodas that contain Ø calories, Ø carbs, and (since I drink a lot of them) Ø caffeine.

But here's where diet, lifestyle, and selection collides:

Last night I was watching "Cops" while drinking Diet Rite White Grape soda and eating Pork Rinds.

I am a wife-beater t-shirt away from being on Springer.


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